Postpartum: The Life-Changing 4th Trimester

If you google it, the 4th trimester is the 12-week period immediately after you have had your baby. Not everyone has heard of it, but every mother and their newborn baby will go through it. It is a time of great physical and emotional change as your baby adjusts to being outside the womb, and you adjust to your new life as a mum.

Well, hi. It's been a decade, or it does feel like a decade.

There's so much i need to update about my life, i don't care if nobody's ever read this, but to me this one is a healing. You need to write hard and clear about the things you scare the most.

Jadi seorang ibu itu ternyata bukan perkara melahirkan dan menyusui tok, tapi itu benar-benar mengubah kehidupan seorang wanita 180 derajat. Not everyone deserve a kid, not every woman deserve to be a mother. I completely get it when someone decides to child-free, it means they're very very conscious about the thing they're not capable of so they don't sign up for that. So much better than being a horrible parents with all that mental issues that are going to be worst after birth. Gue pun kadang sampai detik ini - sampai anak gue sudah berumur 15 bulan pun - masih suka self-contemplate "Do I really destined to be a mother? Am I a good mother? Can I responsibly carry this new identity?". Gue seringkali messed up, i feel horrible. I feel alone. Being a mother is all about being left out all the time. It's like the world is still going on and only you stuck in this four-walls, only you and your baby.

The worst part in this new chapter of life is, gue memutuskan untuk resign dan jadi full-time mom. Wow. That's big, that's not nothing, you know. Looking back, gue ga pernah bercita-cita jadi seorang ibu. Dari dulu, di bayangan gue, gue cuma akan jadi seorang pekerja, yang ga masalah hidup sendiri pun, pelihara kucing, jadi tante yang royal buat ponakan-ponakan (lol), and that's it. Mungkin pernah gue ngebayangin menikah, tapi punya anak itu, far from what ever imagined. Tapi bukan berarti gue tidak menyukai apa yang terjadi di hidup gue sekarang, ya. Gue menikah, hamil dan melahirkan dengan kesadaran penuh tanpa paksaan dari siapapun. Gue resign pun, walau dengan berat hati dan karna situasi yang tidak memungkinkan juga, tapi gue bersyukur karna gue bisa menyaksikan every baby steps of my son's growth development and nothing is ever making me proud like that. 

People would kill to be in my shoes now, I know. Ketika seorang Ibu menulis seperti ini bukan berarti mereka tidak bersyukur, tapi hanya saja ini situasi yang membingungkan buat mereka. Most of the time, they don't understand themselves. Jadi Ibu itu bener-bener stres dengan semua peran baru, dimana yang notabene nya kita bertanggungjawab atas nyawa manusia. Bukan sekedar makan & minum saja, tapi bagaimana mereka senang atau sedih, bagaimana mereka feel as secured as they're in our womb. Tapi disaat yang bersamaan lo bahagia tiada tara, and everytime you watch your kid you're wondering, "What did I do to deserve him/her bcs they're such blessing. A great blessing". And I'm not gonna say that how much we miss our single phase with all the good funs, out and about, shopping, salon-appointment, spa treatment and sudden vacations. Now, we barely look ourselves in the mirror because we don't like what we see. I can't even go to pee in peace. All my body is aching all the time, my nipples hurt as hell. I never look on my favorite menu no more when we go out to eat, I always think "What should I order so my kid can eat it as well". 

Emang segitunya kah? Emang ga ada best part nya? Well, the best part is everything. You can tell every thing about being a mother is the best part and i'm not romanticize it. Even when your baby poop after a long time of constipation would make you happily crying hahaha. But everyone say it loud about the best part, and the rest will go silent about this part that burden them. It's important to find someone who is understand your meltdowns and not belittle your emotions a single bit. That's why you need to deep-filter your spouse. You can't get the whole package you know, but in marriage to have someone who's understand (and overcome it) your lowest point is so much important than having a good looking or rich spouse. They would never understand how tired we are or how promiscuous our head are as we need to jungle from one task to another, but if they never say "yaelah gitu doang ngeluh", the relationship is worth fighting for. Kayaknya seru ya kalo ada post terpisah tentang menikah? Hahaha boleh deh setelah ini ya. 

I was re-thinking to change this blog's name, to something that is more mature. I made this blog in 2010 which is 13 years ago when I'm literally a perfunctory juvenile. But then, it actually describes me very well, it seems fitted. I wake up every morning feeling like a zombie because every muscle in my body is screaming for a help. I'm a zommy, zombie mommy who is very happy and broken-down at the same time. But you're still gracefully grow through out of it, don't forget that mamas. 

Life isn't going to be the same no more

After 2 years, the pandemic is finally over. Lol.

Mr. President just released the 'no mask' rule for outdoor activity, and people allowed to mudik for lebaran this year. Finally, eh?

And, breaking news; i just gave birth to pandemic baby last February. The labor was so intense and relieved at the same time - and all came natural. It was February 15th, my water heavily broke  at the dawn, so we rush to the provider shortly. My husband were a little panicked driving, while me & my mom were still calmly telling a joke around - just to make the situation a little less intense. When we arrived, our doctor wasn't there, so the midwife came to check the dilation & did a CTG. Surprise, surprise it was only 1cm dilated. But since the water already broke, to avoid the infection to the baby, she decided to do the induction.

It was 7am in the morning that she told me to have a breakfast as many as I can just to gain more energy, and then i got induced at 10am sharp. Before i got injected with anti-virus and many more that i don't remember now. Right after the induction, the contractions were surprising as hell. It was indescribable i'm going to die - i thought. 2 hours after induction, i asked to check the dilation and it was just only 2cm dilation. What the fuck?! The pain was unimaginably hurt as hell and it was just 2cm opened?! And the rest was historical. The pain at the early dilation was nothing compare to the 8cm dilation, 2 hours later at 2pm. I cried & screamed at the same time, was asking for epidural but since my provider is the clinic for natural birth they don't provide epidural procedure. 2.30pm i was lost. So lost that i told my mom (my husband was waiting outside because he couldn't handle the blood & all 🙂) that "Mah, tissa udah ga kuat lagi". My mom was panic & asked the midwife and the nurses to start the labor already. 

They came and got prepare for me to push. I pushed as by their call as much as possible since the pain is uncontrollable by then. If they told me to push i push, when they told to hold i hold eventho i really wanted to push the baby put as fast as i can. My doctor came right on time before the baby's head seen. One more i took a deep breath & pushed it again, the baby's head finally came out and the doctor pull the shoulder, and BAM. All the pain i felt since 10AM is gone right away at that very second my baby was born. At 2.50pm, my son was born with 3,62 weigh and 49,8cm heigh. I was so numb. I didn't happily cry or smile when held the baby for the first time, and i didn't feel anything as i still feel so shocked with the labor pain. I still couldn't believe that i survive this near-death experience. 

Now, my baby just turned 3 months old. I need to post how i survive the 4th trimester and the postpartum phase. It got to be in the different post because it was SO MUCH that i need to say. I waking up everyday, still feeling tired but never less grateful. I'm continuously exhausted but i got nothing to complain about. 

I can't wait for the next post.

Pain & Gain

 2021 is all about pain & gain.

It's amazing how my life is passing this year. I get married, i pregnant and now, I lost my dad.

I don't even know if I can write this down. September 19th 2021, exactly a month after my birthday, my dad passed away. Last time we communicate was me telling him that he's gonna have another grandson. I don't know I love him this much until he's gone. I was crying, a lot, and still crying sometimes now. I can't believe why his time is so short. Why he can't be here anymore, why he can't meet my son and why is my wedding was the last time I saw him. If I knew he'll be gone, i'll see him often. I'll text him, sending him his favorites food, or anything else I can do. No, my wedding is not our last time. It's that fuckin ER room was the place we met. I meet you, but you didn't see me. I miss your cracking jokes and laugh, your basa-basi whatsapp text and I miss our ride to the airport to send Anti back to Surabaya. I miss our seafood lunch or steak dinner. The way you were always peeling those crabs for us you didn't even eat. The way you were always cheating on for a coke, or a lamb. I hate your diabetes so much, but I can help to see you happy while drinking soda. I miss our stroll to buy groceries like we're going for isolation. And I still remember how we always beg you to buy us a new phone (that I lost it 9 days later & you just laughed it away).

I know you're happy up there, Pah. You always talk about death in a car while dropping me off home. I know this is all you wanted in the end. I saw you smile while we're preparing you to your final home. I'm sorry if I always be the one child that speak recklessly to you. I'm sorry if i can never give you something you want. I'm sorry, and you're forgiven, Pah. Be happy up there, promise me. 

How the table has turn

 Knock, knock, who's there?

It's the fourth month of the year & we're still in the pandemic :)

I can tell it's already more than a year since we do everything from home. Like okay, can we just stop playing with this virus?? First of all, I'm so sorry for everyone who lost their special someone because of this virus. Please take care & know that everything will be just fine. I had my dad & my sister infected by this virus also, but thankfully they're recovery very well. And oh, my 78-years-old-grandma has done vaccinated on this month so it got me a little relief. 

Another thing is, I just got married on the last February. Lol. Never see things coming, huh? No worries because that's what I'm thinking, ok? Hahaha. I never thought that I'd be married at 27 (or at any age phase of my life), but yeah that's how my life's going on now. Finally, I marry my bestfriend since high school & we've been together for almost 3 years. Those 3 years was hard as hell, like we need to face that everyone is against our relationship that i feel overwhelmed sometimes. But, we did it. In the end, we did it and we're so proud of ourselves that we're never choose to give up. I never think that marriage is the happy ending, but it's more like a beginning. Beginning of everything. Though i feel a little bit scared of this beginning, I'm sure we're just gonna ride through it no matter how hard that is.

What I'm going to say here is, that I can't stop being so grateful of my life. Finally I learn that all of those hardships I've been through in my life led me to the way I am now. I learn that staying over is better than starting over. To keep holding on to your faith, and to utterly hand it over in God. Know that we can never control everything, and timing is only belongs to God. Do the best thing you can & let God do the rest. I keep realizing how every good things in my life only could happen just because I pray for it. So please, sincerely pray in every possible way for the things you desire the most. You never know how powerful that is. 

2021, everyone

It's 2021 in a blink of an eye.

I think we're all agree that we shouldn't talk much about 2020, but that's what I'm gonna do here.
Man, this is the sad year. Bukan cuma berat, tapi ini bener-bener tahun yang menyedihkan sampai-sampai gue kadang bingung hikmah apa yang harus diambil. 2020 adalah tahun dimana hati manusia dibolak-balik sebegitunya sama Tuhan, dan kita tetep ngga tau maunya Tuhan tuh apa. Tahun yang mengajari dimana bahwa ada yang lebih sedih dari sekedar kata 'sedih' dan ada yang lebih membosankan dari kata 'bosan'. 

I read it somewhere, "2020 shows you the true color of people" & i can't agree no more. Gue belom bisa bilang bahwa banyak yang gue pelajari dari tahun ini selain, i let things go. If things happened out off my track, i will not surprise. If people come and go, i will not surprise. If people say that they're a friend and then they become a foe, i will not surprise. If we have a lot of money and it's vanish overnight, i will not surprise. No more. Pada akhirnya ketika gue tidak bisa belajar dari hidup ini, yang bisa gue lakukan hanyalan menerima. Yah, inilah hidup. Bukan drama korea. Set your expectation low. 

Manusia itu adalah mahkluk hidup yang dikaruniai otak, yang pada akhirnya menentukan kita ini pinter atau engga. Orang-orang akan nge-judge kita pinter/engga lewat otak kita, walopun mereka belom bedah kepala kita jadi dua terus lihat langsung isi kepala kita, they judge quick. Yang disayangkan lagi, kita ga akan bisa kontrol isi otak orang lain. Sometimes it stressed you out you wanna explain so much. But you have to know there's no point about it. Gue selalu mengingat kata-katanya Ali bin Abi Thalib: "Tak perlu bersikeras menjelaskan siapa dirimu, karena orang yang mencintaimu tidak membutuhkan itu, dan orang yang membencimu tidak akan percaya itu". 

Seperti yang gue tulis di post sebelumnya, ga peduli seberapa keras lo mecoba baik ke orang lain, yang akan lo dapat sebagai balasannya ngga selalu baik. Jadi, once lo berbuat baik jangan pernah berharap apa-apa dari kebaikan lo itu. Keep your expectation bar low & lowest. Kalo mau jadi orang baik, ya sebaiknya lo lakuin itu karena that's what your true self. 2020 showed you who was real, and who wasn't. Yet you have to be the real version of yourself. 

Unek-unek kuuu

Ketika flashback and thinking all the things that had happened in my life, kadang gue suka mikir how bitterly ironic & what a full of twist it is. The saddest part of life is no matter how hard you're trying to be kind & nice, you're always be a jerk in someone else's story. Everyone can just greet you and smile and talk to you in a such nicely way but you never know what they're thinking or judging about you in their own head, (and of course) based on someone else's story. Because sometimes, the people who know you the least, have the most to say. Padahal gatau juga untung nya buat mereka apa, yegak sih?

Gue tuh ngga ngerti ya, kenapa orang suka banget ngurusin urusan orang lain yang sebenernya kalo dipikir-pikir dia ga diuntungkan atau dirugikan juga, Literally none of their fucking business, emang gatel aja mulutnya gitu. Sampe kadang ya, apa yang sebenernya terjadi di kehidupan nyata sama cerita yang beredar tuh bisa beda banget. Kayak yang kejadian misal "ABCD" tapi cerita yang beredar bisa "AB12@345XYZ&&&8910xxxxxx". Daymmmm, why??

Dan yang paling gue kesel adalah, biasanya kita baru ngerti sama apa yang terjadi tuh belakangan. Kita baru tau "ohh ternyata selama si ini si itu tuh begitu" atau "ohh ternyata selama ini mereka tuh mikir gue begini" "wah gue baru tau kalo yang nyebarin cerita tuh si ini". Kayak bego banget aja, selama ini kita baik ke mereka tapi mereka sebenernya ga baik-baik amat ke kita. Gue ga bilang diri gue 'baik' like an angel juga sih, tapi setidaknya gue ga pernah mikir mereka macem-macem (ataupun kalo mikir macem-macem ya lo keep buat diri sendiri aja gausah lo ajak-ajak atau umbar ke orang lain). Mau mereka ngapain ya itu juga urusan mereka, gue bukan baik tapi i just don't care. 

Aduh gue gemes banget sih sebenernya, pengen nanya ke ybs "mbaknyaaaaah ada masalah apa sih sama hidupnyaaaa? Kok segitu ga bahagia nya sampe you drag everyone else down to your level of unhappiness". Sampe kadang sedih juga, ternyata selama kemaren-kemaren kita berhubungan baik itu dibaliknya ada part dimana mereka talking trash about you and you just don't know. Tapi sekarang mikir lagi, yah buat apa juga capek-capek explaining yourself ke orang-orang yang ngga suka sama kita. Quoting here some Ali bin Abu Talib words here: Never explain yourself to anyone, because the person who likes you doesn't need it and the person who dislikes won't believe it. 

Jadi ya, intinya sekarang temen mah ga usah banyak yang penting real, and the most important thing is, don't trust anyone. You can only count on yourself. Lo udah melalui semua itu dan lo tetap kuat kayak sekarang, so who needs them anyway??

Life Updates

Day umpteenth of quarantine. 

I can't even recall, and not going to count anymore. Lol. I've been six months staying at home to be exact. The longest yet fastest 6 months I've ever had in my life. Seriously, we'll welcome 2021 in the next 3 months. Gosh.

There's not much going on here, except the fact that I was sick for almost a month, in between July - August. I got this weird lump in my right neck and it didn't disappear easily. I was visiting the doctor 4 times in one month and yet, the recovery is still going on until i wrote this today. I got 4 different prescriptions and the lump is still there, though it's not hurt like it used to be. They said, it's my lymph that swollen. But I decided to not going back to the doctor because the last time I visit, they said we need to do some surgery if it's still swollen. And yup, no. That's definitely a no from me. 

Don't worry, i know I'll be just fine. But for those healthy issues, I need to stop running my cooking business for a while. I closed the business for a month (or more idk), and just opened it again in the first week of September. 

Also, in the beginning of this month, we prepared my sister's engagement. It's quite a big day for an engagement because her fiancé brings all of his family & relatives all over to Jakarta from Sidoarjo. I can tell it's more than 30 people came over that day to our house. During this pandemic situation, we need to prepare everything so it's just safe but still a proper tradition to everyone. And it came out so well, and I'm so happy for her!

Now, it's done from me. I really need to tell people that please take care of your health. Drink a lot of water, eat veggies & fruits, do some workouts and don't stress much! Take care also of your mental health because that is the most important thing above all. We need some strength to survive this year.

It's over or not yet

Day 53 of quarantine.

I started to think that we're staying home is not because of corona, but just because we're home already without particular reason. There's nothing in between anyway.  I can tell that I'm starting to enjoy this new routine, doing everything from home and not meeting people. I feel like we're appreciate each other more than we used to before. We really ask our friends, "Are you okay? Are you & family in a good health? Safe and sound and all?". And we do care about them, that's not just a cheap talk. 

But if you ask me what i really wanna do when this over, that would be a "home massage". You see? One thing i wanna do after this over is also staying at home, doing my massage LOL. Of course i also want to travel somewhere but i don't have an urge to travel, so.... And oh! Staying at home makes me wanna do one thing that i haven't done for a while, i want to attend music concert. Really want to singing as loud as i can, jumping to the beat, until i broke my leg and my voice went off. I don't know why, but i think that's the only fun i want to do after this.

But have you ever think, what if this is not over? What if this is the end? We could never meeting each other again, we're not coming to office anymore. It's over for all of us. Have you ever think that way or it's just me? Well, for me, if that's the case i might not regret anything. People that have a plan might be the one who regrets it, people who have something to do but they're not doing it yet might also regret it. They wish they could have done it before but they just realize it when they have no more time. 

Me? I don't have plan. No more. 2020 has been so cruel for me, so i don't want to plan anything for now and think that the rest of this year should take responsibility to accomplish that. No one can do that actually. Let's just hope that we still have time and pray that this is not the end, so we still have a lot of time to do what we need to do & fix what we need to fix.

You're not gonna die anytime soon.

Day 21 of Quarantine

My friend text me: I want to resign.

3 weeks of quarantine and people are getting crazy. Some people are stress about of being in home and have nothing to do, while others are stress because have too many things to do. People cannot expect we accomplish the same as we're in the office when we're working from home! - they said.

Me? I was just about this close of being stress until i decide to involve and hop in my mother's home business. I start to help with her orders of foods. She makes this delicious Dutch snacks and people are crazy about it. They can order a hundreds of it. She also makes another food, like cocktail pudding and many kind of sambel. My mom has been doing this for a long time, but we never take this as a serious business, but since this quarantine period, i think this is a good chance to start this business in a more professional way. So yesterday we went for groceries shopping in Mayestik. We bought all the ingredients we need for a large scale, chose the packaging boxes, made logo and printed in on sticker, and so on. On the first day, we got 180 orders for bitterballen (this the Dutch snacks i told you earlier), and a cocktail pudding. Second day, we got another 200 orders of bitterballen. Holy moly bitterballen! I could say that i'm proud with what we're doing, a little extra effort to save us from this quarantine boredom, which is sucks. And what's more important is still CUAN! Lol.

I hope everyone i love survive out there in this period of time, so we could meet again after all this. Hang in there people! The earth will heal anytime soon, so do we. Don't die. 

P.s; Day 21 of quarantine, i do tidy up to almost anything in the house except my own self. 

Idk, just ask Covid.

Back then when I was saying that "2019 is just so hard for me", i never thought 2020 is far more screwed up. I've been doing work from home for 15 days until today. It's not that i want to complaining, but yes i am going to complain here. Tho i'm still luckier than half of population that can't get a wfh privilege, i still feel this is bad. It isn't about how bored i am and can't even go out, but is 2020 even a year?? Not just globally, but also personally, was my 2019 isn't worse enough? C'mon.

Life isn't getting better now, it's me that getting used to all the bad things and disappointment. You know what's good with getting used to the bad things? You never have an expectation that something good will happen to you.

Sometimes i take that as a jokes on me. 

The only thing that separates yourself and happiness is the thought that everyone else is happier. Mother fact is, they're just as clueless as you about their life either. And not, they're probably aren't happy for themselves either. I quote one of the Baz Luhrmann's quotable words here, "Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself”.

And another Baz Luhrmann's words, because it deserves to be quote a million times - a friendly reminder:

"The most interesting people I know, didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know, still don’t. Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone. Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, and maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own. Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it, but in your own living room. Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them. Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. Get to know your parents; you never know when they’ll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.”

But the last line is only applied when YOUR SIBLINGS SIMPLY BEING NICE TO YOU TOO. Lololol.

This is a closing statement; let's see if this year will be going any worse than this or not. Never hope for the better. I can't live with such optimism. Stay safe everyone, wash your hands with water and soap because hand sanitizer is a gross. Don't die.