If you google it, the 4th trimester is the 12-week period immediately after you have had your baby. Not everyone has heard of it, but every mother and their newborn baby will go through it. It is a time of great physical and emotional change as your baby adjusts to being outside the womb, and you adjust to your new life as a mum.
Well, hi. It's been a decade, or it does feel like a decade.
There's so much i need to update about my life, i don't care if nobody's ever read this, but to me this one is a healing. You need to write hard and clear about the things you scare the most.
Jadi seorang ibu itu ternyata bukan perkara melahirkan dan menyusui tok, tapi itu benar-benar mengubah kehidupan seorang wanita 180 derajat. Not everyone deserve a kid, not every woman deserve to be a mother. I completely get it when someone decides to child-free, it means they're very very conscious about the thing they're not capable of so they don't sign up for that. So much better than being a horrible parents with all that mental issues that are going to be worst after birth. Gue pun kadang sampai detik ini - sampai anak gue sudah berumur 15 bulan pun - masih suka self-contemplate "Do I really destined to be a mother? Am I a good mother? Can I responsibly carry this new identity?". Gue seringkali messed up, i feel horrible. I feel alone. Being a mother is all about being left out all the time. It's like the world is still going on and only you stuck in this four-walls, only you and your baby.
The worst part in this new chapter of life is, gue memutuskan untuk resign dan jadi full-time mom. Wow. That's big, that's not nothing, you know. Looking back, gue ga pernah bercita-cita jadi seorang ibu. Dari dulu, di bayangan gue, gue cuma akan jadi seorang pekerja, yang ga masalah hidup sendiri pun, pelihara kucing, jadi tante yang royal buat ponakan-ponakan (lol), and that's it. Mungkin pernah gue ngebayangin menikah, tapi punya anak itu, far from what ever imagined. Tapi bukan berarti gue tidak menyukai apa yang terjadi di hidup gue sekarang, ya. Gue menikah, hamil dan melahirkan dengan kesadaran penuh tanpa paksaan dari siapapun. Gue resign pun, walau dengan berat hati dan karna situasi yang tidak memungkinkan juga, tapi gue bersyukur karna gue bisa menyaksikan every baby steps of my son's growth development and nothing is ever making me proud like that.
People would kill to be in my shoes now, I know. Ketika seorang Ibu menulis seperti ini bukan berarti mereka tidak bersyukur, tapi hanya saja ini situasi yang membingungkan buat mereka. Most of the time, they don't understand themselves. Jadi Ibu itu bener-bener stres dengan semua peran baru, dimana yang notabene nya kita bertanggungjawab atas nyawa manusia. Bukan sekedar makan & minum saja, tapi bagaimana mereka senang atau sedih, bagaimana mereka feel as secured as they're in our womb. Tapi disaat yang bersamaan lo bahagia tiada tara, and everytime you watch your kid you're wondering, "What did I do to deserve him/her bcs they're such blessing. A great blessing". And I'm not gonna say that how much we miss our single phase with all the good funs, out and about, shopping, salon-appointment, spa treatment and sudden vacations. Now, we barely look ourselves in the mirror because we don't like what we see. I can't even go to pee in peace. All my body is aching all the time, my nipples hurt as hell. I never look on my favorite menu no more when we go out to eat, I always think "What should I order so my kid can eat it as well".
Emang segitunya kah? Emang ga ada best part nya? Well, the best part is everything. You can tell every thing about being a mother is the best part and i'm not romanticize it. Even when your baby poop after a long time of constipation would make you happily crying hahaha. But everyone say it loud about the best part, and the rest will go silent about this part that burden them. It's important to find someone who is understand your meltdowns and not belittle your emotions a single bit. That's why you need to deep-filter your spouse. You can't get the whole package you know, but in marriage to have someone who's understand (and overcome it) your lowest point is so much important than having a good looking or rich spouse. They would never understand how tired we are or how promiscuous our head are as we need to jungle from one task to another, but if they never say "yaelah gitu doang ngeluh", the relationship is worth fighting for. Kayaknya seru ya kalo ada post terpisah tentang menikah? Hahaha boleh deh setelah ini ya.
I was re-thinking to change this blog's name, to something that is more mature. I made this blog in 2010 which is 13 years ago when I'm literally a perfunctory juvenile. But then, it actually describes me very well, it seems fitted. I wake up every morning feeling like a zombie because every muscle in my body is screaming for a help. I'm a zommy, zombie mommy who is very happy and broken-down at the same time. But you're still gracefully grow through out of it, don't forget that mamas.
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