Pain & Gain

 2021 is all about pain & gain.

It's amazing how my life is passing this year. I get married, i pregnant and now, I lost my dad.

I don't even know if I can write this down. September 19th 2021, exactly a month after my birthday, my dad passed away. Last time we communicate was me telling him that he's gonna have another grandson. I don't know I love him this much until he's gone. I was crying, a lot, and still crying sometimes now. I can't believe why his time is so short. Why he can't be here anymore, why he can't meet my son and why is my wedding was the last time I saw him. If I knew he'll be gone, i'll see him often. I'll text him, sending him his favorites food, or anything else I can do. No, my wedding is not our last time. It's that fuckin ER room was the place we met. I meet you, but you didn't see me. I miss your cracking jokes and laugh, your basa-basi whatsapp text and I miss our ride to the airport to send Anti back to Surabaya. I miss our seafood lunch or steak dinner. The way you were always peeling those crabs for us you didn't even eat. The way you were always cheating on for a coke, or a lamb. I hate your diabetes so much, but I can help to see you happy while drinking soda. I miss our stroll to buy groceries like we're going for isolation. And I still remember how we always beg you to buy us a new phone (that I lost it 9 days later & you just laughed it away).

I know you're happy up there, Pah. You always talk about death in a car while dropping me off home. I know this is all you wanted in the end. I saw you smile while we're preparing you to your final home. I'm sorry if I always be the one child that speak recklessly to you. I'm sorry if i can never give you something you want. I'm sorry, and you're forgiven, Pah. Be happy up there, promise me.