Have you ever tried to be nice for one day but everyone around you is just so annoying? Like they're all trying to pissed you off? Does it even make sense when every little thing they do annoys you so much it getting on your nerve? Yes, I'm having that day right now and i know exactly this is the time when life wins over me. There's a time when i don't wanna be spoiled-cranky-ass-girl and trying to be nice and calm but everything seems like want to test my patience. Do you know how hard it'd be?
OK, that's all for me throwing a shade. Lol. What up everyone? It's finally Saturday and i can sip my coffee and eat Shihlin without nothing to worries. Lately, I've been thinking about life, about my life. My-almost-25-age-of-life and not a single thing i do now that it feels right. I'm not sure about everyone and everything, or what i want to do with my future. Maybe yes, I'm talking about my job. Everyday there's no chance I'm not asking myself "is this what i really wanna do?". Do you really wanna wake up everyday in the morning, and questioning yourself "what's the point of all this?". It's the money that i need to feed, that's all.
Let's go back to our childhood for once. What do you want to be when you were a kid? I remember when I was in kindergarten and my teacher asked us what we want to be when we're grow up. I answered; a painter. It was a prompt answer that i retained in my childhood eventho my mother told me "You can't make money by being a painter". Back then, I didn't care about money. As I grew up and entered jr. high school, the teacher in Bahasa Indonesia class gave us task making paper about 'our aspiration for the future'. The same question that we always got in school, huh? Twas in the moment i'm realizing that money is the important element as our part as human being living in this planet, so my answer was change; a photographer. Little did i know, that this answer is the dream that i still pursue till now.
It's not a quick catch that since i was a little i want to be an artist. The art world seems like the right place for me, but not for my mother. I begged her for entering Jakarta Art Institute once i graduated high school but she forbade me, and i ended up in humanity faculty learning foreign language and philosophy. It wasn't a bad choice after all, not bad at all. The urge to be an artist completely getting stronger because humanity and art is just like two different sides of the same coin. Why always art if you're curious, whereas i always got a bad score in art class in school. I remember a time when one art teacher told us to bring a bar soap and started to do the carve. A soap sculpture for everyone to see. My friends made an elephant, horse, flowers and else. You know what I made? I made a soap mobile phone. A square (which is bar soap is square on the first based) mobile phone carving, and my teacher didn't even want to score my carve. I also failed the embroidery class as part of the curriculum in art class, and i started to beg to my teacher for not giving me a bad score "please just give me the score of lower standard just to pass this class", I said. Not to mention that I failed for music and instruments also in art class. The only thing i passed for art class is just the drawing section where the most excellent drawing would be displayed in our school hallway, and my drawing would always be there every week.
Now that I'm an adult working in some telecommunication company and not a single co-workers know that my true ambition is art, but this just not an art like when i was in kindergarten i'm talking about, i know that i can't be a painter now because there are many kinds of art. Just like singing (which is a big zero for me), writing is an art. Making a good writing, a good photo, is really turn me on these days. And for once i realize that eventually, after one or another thing that happens in our life, we always back to our basic, to our root, eventho it's disappearing little by little as we're growing old. Life maybe wins against us, but keep that one little thing that remain in yourself as dimly light in this cold and dark cruel world to make one despair away. You can do many things you don't love in this life as part in this social construction, but do one thing you really wanna do, one thing you really love, for even just once. You have to do it for own self, because no one will do it for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment