2017

Guys it's 01.00 am in the morning, what are you up to?

I'm many times thinking to write something but i hold back, because i still feel like i can endure it. But, since no one read blogs nowadays, especially mine, it takes nothing to write anything.

I can tell that my level of stress is increasing as an early start. I don't have my period this month, yet it's entering April already. It's not that i'm pregnant (no, seriously it's not because i know it so sure), but my period cycle totally messed up. And if you're a girl, you'll know that the main factor of unstable period is stresses. 

I know it's not a big deal that i have to get stressed out like this, but you know, i didn't realize it before until i notice that i didn't get my period. I feel sad often this month, but i think it's just a PMS. My appetite also explode unusually that all my family members complain about it. It seems that i act careless, spoiled and reckless just to hide that i really sad about something. Or maybe i'm not that sad, it more likes a big bundle of disappointment. Yea, it seems like that.

But do you even curious of what disappointment i felt for? I just think like this, that 2017 is definitely not my year. This fuckin fire rooster isn't by my side at all tho rooster is my shio. How ironic it could be do you think? I planed some things from the start of this year, and one by one, all the things i plan is vanish, slowly but surely it disappears. It's not even a big deal but some of the things, are the things i really want. So it gives a big disappointment for me, and i can't blame others also eventho i really wanna blame them so much. I also made such a big mistake in this year that i've never done in my whole life. I spilled drinks to a person that i just happened to know. I was so fuckin embarrassing and guilty at the same time, but i don't know what's posses me that time because when it's happen, i laugh. So hard. I just couldn't hold back my laughter that i laugh so hard after i spilled drinks to him. I still feel sorry until i write this. And i don't even have a guts to meet him anymore after that. I pray that day is never happen in my life. But i often act silly just to hide something, don't we all do?

Actually, this isn't that serious. i told you earlier that it's just my wish for a simple things that isn't granted and i already feel that this whole year is a crap. How loser i am? You must be thinking like this, Maybe you don't wanna know about this, but i think i need to explain this since i'm explaining only for myself; that i really want to brag about this. Some things are cannot be told you know, and for me seems like that i can't tell many things to other. I don't have any places to go now, not that i had it before but i never have it at the first place cause i think it's useless to talk about this to people. I avoid and reject some of friends lately, to all the people i tell a lie about i'm not home, i have a plan on weekend or etc, i'm sorry. I really am. I just don't feel like to meet people now. 

I spent most of the time to runaway to my escapism now. I won't tell what is my escapism because some of you really would judge me if you knew. You'll say that i eat my own words or things like that. I knew it already. But that thing, i can tell, is the only thing that makes me smile a little bit in this chaos of mine in mind. 

I'm not sure what words to cover up this post, it's not that i'm knocked down so i don't need motivational statement here. I don't know, but i think i really miss the year 2014 & 2015. 2017 is a bit cruel because the end of 2016 wasn't good as well. I think that's what we called domino effect. I just hope.....ah, i hope nothing, Nothing will be taken away anymore.